Chili Vodkas and Columbian Druglords - Part 2

What can you do when the medical establishment of a Western country uses your drunken stupor to tag you as a schizoid?

At first you worry that you'll get deported if the establishment somehow comes up with some voodoo medical evidence to show you're a loony.

Or you worry what's inside the syringes, the big burly nurse forcefully inject you with every couple of hours in-between the consumption of strange white pills.

Or you wonder how cool this story will sound when you meet yours friends at the next night out at the strip club.

All these thoughts and more ran through my mind.

But eventually they'd pumped me with a lot of sedatives so that I won't keep insisting I was not mad.

It must have been many hours later when I woke up finally - I requested to use the phone.

I called my room mate. It was about 11am.

" Hello? ******, you won't believe where I am now!"
" Where?"
" I'm in Hospital"
" Huh? What happened?"
" Dude, I'm at the Mental Ward at ********* ******** Hospital. Come and get me. You need to see Dr ******** and tell the woman I am not mad. Go to my room and inside the third drawer near my bed, you'll see my passport. Bring it along. Come NOW!"
" You're not kidding me?"
" Fuck you... Come now, this is SERIOUS!"

So my house mate arrives about 2 hours later. He enters the ward. I see him and I envision a glimmer of hope.

" Hey, I think you better stay the weekend. They can't discharge you because they need to run some tests to see how damaged your brain is and they can only do it on Monday….. and everything is confidential yah, so don't worry."

"Are you nuts! I am NOT crazy! Did you tell the doctors that!"

“I did... but she can't release you man. Only like the big consultant can... and she isn't around. So it's best you just hang around here. ……Hey, I have to go back to Uni to finish my assignment. If anything, call me."

And he leaves me there... not to go and finish up some Uni assignment as I later found out - but to go play LAN games.

So that's when it hit me... I just have to make do somehow for now.

In my room, there were 4 of us 'loonies'.

There was Me, two other guys who never left their beds and this Fisherman.

The Fisherman was very cool and he told me he was there for depression and he had wanted to kill himself.

So I thought that’s rather normal… I mean who doesn’t feel depressed once in a while right?

We spoke about the different kinds of fish he catches and I told him a bit about me and where I come from and how fish is like way better than chicken.

Well, I needed to make friends.

A while later, Fisherman was taken away for his 'treatment' by a couple of the nurses, so I walked to our caged courtyard where I met a bizarre mix of crazies.

There was the dude who thought he was the real Slim Shady and kept asking me where my bitches at.

A couple of older women.

This young girl who was hawt and interesting to talk to. I thought, she too must have drunk way too many Chili Vodkas and brought there mistakenly. But then she told me spirits talk to her and ask her to do 'bad' things.

So then it’s confirmed - I'm still the only sane person here.

But they were harmless though all of them...except this one old old old ancient looking hag. She kept following me around with foam coming out of her mouth ( or was it just a lot of saliva?) as she kept cussing and screaming:

“You stole my cigarettes you bastard. You stole them….Go back to your country!"

I did what any sane person would do. Walk fast and hide.

Anyway evening arrived and it was dinner time soon. I had realized it was best to stop insisting I was normal. Just had to appear calm and cool.

So anyway, for dinner - we get split into two groups - the insane and the very insane. The very insane folks get cheaper food with plastic cutlery. I was deemed not very insane so I could actually sit down with nurses and eat with metal cutlery, in another room.

I tried a few times to convince the nurses that I was normal but there was no point so I just pretended to laugh at the lousy jokes and ate my dinner.

When I went back to the ward - Fisherman was back.

" Hey Fisherman - You had dinner yet? I didn't see you. What you been up to?"

" Hey Fisherman, you OK? It's me man... Are you OK?"

He seemed dead to the world and later I found out he had just been given his electrical shock treatment.

They were giving it to him daily since a few days ago he tried stabbing himself with a metal fork.

Great... my only crazy friend will be getting his brain fried daily.

So time went by and a couple of other disturbing things happened which I can't really post here.

Monday came and the big doctor saw me and she was still not convinced I was a normal kid.

I used all my debating powers and all the wit and charm I could muster.

So she says, if I take a brain scan and if it shows my brain is normal, I can be released but I must sign a form promising to come back for check ups weekly till they say i don't need to.

I say fo sho.

So obviously the scan shows my brain is all OK and I sign the form and before I leave I ask the Doc a question.

“Since you guys forced me to stay here and you don't have any concrete evidence that I'm insane... You won't be forcing me to pay any medical bills right? Cos no way in hell am I gonna pay you guys for sticking me in the Loony Bin just because I was drunk!"

The Doc said the STATE will pay for it and all will be cool and that I won't receive any bills.

I was given a letter saying I'm SANE enough to be part of society.

I go back to Uni and I show my friends the letter and I'm the talk of the town.

Everyone's just so impressed with my experience over the winter break.

I keep regaling folks with my encounters at the Loony Bin and more people buy me drinks at the bar.

A few weeks later I get a manila envelope mailed to me.

" Please make a cheque payable to ********* ********** Hospital for the services rendered during your stay at the ********* ********* Mental Ward."

The damage: $2,500.

There's always a price to pay when you want a cert to say you're sane, my friends.

So beware the Chili Vodkas.